Still Waiting

Saturday, July 28, 2007

hailing is still very upset. this is the first time i fall asleep angry and wake up angry too. sigh. wad a bad day.

i thought to myself last night. have i been bad to my friends? vented my anger on them for no wrong they do? made no sacrifices or effort for them? what wrong have i done to deserve this? why do my friend lie to me and made me sad, yet cry herself? i cannot understand.

you may think and say and decide that i'm domineering, unreasonable, selfish and moody, but who actually thought about my feelings? you may think that you have a super good reason that leaves you with no choice to back yourself up, but what about me? who were the ones whom gave hands up for chalet? i booked, i asked everyone, sent so many sms, organise everything, and no one wants to come! come on! what choice do i have?? have you guys thought about my feelings before you all decide that i'm domineering and pressurising you? and think. can you swear to your heart that you TRIED YOUR BEST to come whenever you are free? the answer may be a yes, but think. the free mornings are spent at home dolling up or sleeping a little longer. anyone cared abt my feelings? anyone cared abt whether those at the dead chalet is bored or not? NO.

but gabriel did. after i've vented my anger on him, he still stayed by my side and took a half day off for me. he volunteered to pay extra for the chalet if it's too expensive.

i even thought of holding a bbq tonight, and i'll pay for all the food and pit and everything, and leave only the chalet rental for you guys to pay. i even thought of forking 100 bucks for the rental itself and let you all pay the remaining amount. but luckily, i know it's all not worth it. for who? who will appreciate? who will remember? one day when we separate gradually, who will remember that i'm always trying to keep our friendship steady and maintain it? nvm. i will keep to my promise, i would NOT make the extra effort if no one does. no one does it all the time anyway. except for maybe 1 or 2.

i've always been putting friends before gabriel, and now its time to spare a thought for him. he's complained about me being too nice to my friends and not him, when he don't see my friends returning back the love to me. i brushed off his comments thinking he's plain jealous. but seems like its true!

i can swear by death that i'm always trying my bestest best for my friends. gabriel doesnt even have this. i never tried my bestest best in everything for him! i've been so selfish towards him. what goes around comes around. i got back those feelings that gabriel has in the past from me. but things change, people change, I change. if i see sincerity, i'll return the same love back to you, nothing more.

shant hold so much faith cos i keep getting disappointment. the only time when i was truely happy and touched is on my birthday. of cos everyone made effort, but i know who made the most effort. thanks friend. after all the quarrels, unhappiness we've faced, you're a true friend that emerged a little later.

if you feel angry after this post and think that i'm blaming everyone else, fine. its simply because i hold too much trust and faith in my friends. i've always heard from gabriel,"i want to know that you have expectations and faith in me because that's when you are loving me".

i'm greatly disappointed and i feel super betrayed! so many times of disappointment, i shant be so silly anymore. this is the last time i'll feel disappointed. in future i guess i wouldnt hold our friendship so dear already, and if its time to end everything, then it's meant to be. i will not change it or make any effort. i will just let everything lie fallow.

-when are you coming back? ;